9 questions not to ask an author

 

Hi everyone! It’s the start of a brand new year 2015! It’s very exciting ;P

I’m just praying the year starts off right with Ohio State beating Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. #GoBucks

Now that that wish is out there for the universe, I wanted to pass on a funny list of questions that have been floating around the author email list universe the last few weeks. Nine Things Not To Ask a Writer

I have officially been asked all of these, though some I don’t mind as much as others. LOL

What do you think?

1) Have you written anything I’ve heard of?
–This is like asking a plumber if he’s worked on any toilets you’ve
pooped in. Odds are unless you’re quite a well-known author, like John
Grisham or the Kardashians, you’ve haven’t written something they’ve
heard of. Plus, how the hell are you supposed to know what they have and
haven’t heard of? Just say ‘yes’, walk away and delete their contact
from your phone.

2) Are you writing anything at the moment?
–At the moment, we’re talking to you, so no. But we plan on drinking
copiously, then going home to continue writing so that we may one day
answer ‘yes’ to the above question.

3) Are they going to make a movie from your book?
–Again, this presumes you’re published, have a film deal in place, and
all the freaky things that can happen in the Go-Gurt machine of
Hollywood work out so that Tom Cruise is one day being interviewed about
what it feels like to interpret ‘your’ character. So unless this is
currently the case, you’ll have to explain that you have about as much
influence as to whether or not a movie gets made from your book as an
accountant has of rigging the Powerball for you. Once again the safe bet
is to answer ‘maybe’, then follow guidelines from answer #2.

4) Are any characters based on people from your life?
–Odds are, yes. And if not fully lifted from your life, then certain
traits are for sure. But you’re not about to tell them that the main
character’s impotency stems from the confessions of your cousin Paul, or
that the anxious, bed-ridden alcoholic thrice-divorced mess is based on
your aunt Lorraine, so answer ‘maybe’ then ask if you can record
everything they’re saying for possible future use in one of your books.

5) How much money did you get for your book?
–You’d be surprised that, yes, people do actually ask this question.
They’re the same people who, when meeting a friend’s baby for the first
time, jokingly ask the husband, “Are you sure it’s yours?” Simply ask
for their social security number and to see their most recent bank
statements, then laugh and say it’s just for research. And if they’re
stupid enough to give it to you, steal all their money and give it to
The Human Fund.

6) Where do you get your ideas from?
–Since most writers get their ideas from the exact same place–that
netherworld known as ‘I have no idea’ and ‘beats the hell out of
me’–just respond with “from the Internet” and repeat the answer to #2.

7) Can I give you an idea for your next book?
–First off, nobody asked you. Do we walk into your job at the mortuary
and ask if we can touch up deceased Uncle Walter? For some reason,
people think you’re constantly scouring the earth looking for ideas for
your next book, waiting for a stranger to politely offer to lend you the
story of the time they burnt their tongue eating a slice of pizza
because it would be the perfect motivation for your villain’s murderous
rampage in the third act.

8) Will you read my manuscript and critique it?
–Sure! And let me guess–this request comes from your Aunt’s friend’s
son who’s been a corporate lawyer for the last five years but is tired
of the grind and feels he wants to be creative? Never seen that before!
Besides, we’d like nothing better than to curl up on our couch with a
500-page monstrosity written by a complete stranger, which will take
8-10 hours to read, then sit down with a red pen and give you an edit
letter than Maxwell Perkins would have been proud of. Do you realize how
long it takes to read a book? And that writers get paid based on their
output and producticity? Ask this lawyer friend for 10 hours of free
legal advice in exchange and see if he jumps at the office.

9) Have you read those ‘Twilight’ or ‘Harry Potter’ books?
–Because we all know those people who’ve never heard of a single book
until the movie comes out. Tell them that you only read old papyrus
scrolls, that the novel died in 84 BCE, and anyone who participates in
witchcraft or vampiredom should be burned at the stake. (and FWIW you’re
team Jacob)

Hehe, pretty funny right? I got a kick out of this list for a lot of reasons, and I know many authors agree with the sentiments here. Whoever created this question list: Good on ya! #LoveIt

I also decided to extend my Claiming Excalibur giveaway because of the time it will take for my print copies of the books to arrive so you now have even more chances to win the gift card, signed books, or great eBook pack! It’s easy and quick 🙂 Have fun in the new year guys!

<3 always LH

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One Comment  to  9 questions not to ask an author

  1. bn100 says:

    rude questions to ask